Writing is my release. Every now and then, I write entries in my journal I want to share. Just maybe this post will help someone realize the fires burning around them can be extinguished.
If something is on fire, would you touch it? That heat that is given off is the first warning. Our body immediately receives a signal sent from our brain telling us that it’s dangerous and to pull back. Any attempt to try to control that fire, without any precaution, could be detrimental. But… sometimes… sometimes we try to handle that fire. We are left burned and damaged. Why do we do that? Well, I can only speak for me and what I learned from dealing with fire.
The fire that I am talking about is a friendship. I wanted this friendship to happen so badly, that I ignored how unhealthy I had become. My first warning was the heat (vibe) that was given off by the person.
Heat feels good when it is cold, but the source could be dangerous.
Little did I know, I was being warmed by a flame that burned plenty before me. I was at a point where I was cold and felt this was one of the best sources for keeping me warm. Anything that may have set this person off, I ignored it, I made myself believe that this was normal behavior. I blamed myself for caring too much about the wellbeing of someone who had no issue not reciprocating that feeling towards me. I was slowly catching on fire and I didn’t want to believe it.
I felt that there was such a connection between us, at least I wanted there to be one. That feeling led me to believe that it was slowly putting out the fire that was trying to consume me. This wasn’t a friendship, but I used the word in hope that it would help me heal from the suffering I was experiencing from losing a piece of my heart, my sister. I thought this person understood, I wanted them to, but they didn’t get it. I was coming off as needy and overly emotional. It left me even wondering, what was going on with me?
I went from touching the tip of a flame on a candle to diving completely into the fire. I wanted to be ok when I really wasn’t. That fire started to spread because I didn’t take the time to control it by getting help to put it out. Those that I thought were trying to help, only fanned the flames. I looked fine on the outside, matter of fact, I was beautiful. The stronger the fire, the more I covered it up.
Until one day it hit me. That fire that had turned into a wildfire was now slowly getting under control.
I stopped seeking heat once I finally realized the damage that had been done around me.
I started to get help to extinguish the fires. Losing my best friend left me open to try to start friendships with those that weren’t my friends. I am now kept warm by healthier sources that were there all along.
This is a story about my mental health and how I almost destroyed myself trying to maintain toxic friendships and ignoring the signs of not feeling mentally well. This only caused me to spiral out of control and for me to start small fires of my own. I had to take a step back to remember what happiness and healthy felt like. Attention doesn’t always mean healthy if it isn’t coming from a place of compassion and empathy when we are struggling. I am thankful I found outlets, for those around me that understand, but most of all I am thankful for realizing I don’t have to jump into flames to feel alive.
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